How about some Jokes [Admin: No Covid or Politics!]

[GregM]

Guts or ?

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: “You’re next, Baby.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.

 

[GregM]

Mayors Wife
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery.
One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.” This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalk in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the Mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week!”

 

[Sharky]

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister.
They agree and go see the minister .

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

 

[FoD]

After church, ...

That reminds me of:
Little Johnny wanted a V-neck sweater soooo much.
Everyday, he would come home from school and ask his mom, "Can I get a red V-neck sweater...pleeeaseee????" while dancing back and forth on his toes.
One day he came home and his mom presented with a brand new V-neck sweater in just the color he'd been asking for.
Little Johnny burst out in tears and fell on the floor kicking and screaming, "No, no!! Take it away!! I don't want it!!".
His mother, baffled and concerned, asked him. "Why not?"
Little Johnny said, "Teacher was wearing a V-neck sweater today and when she bent over, her lungs fell out...wahhhh!!!!"...tish boom

 

[Doc]

Oh my !

 

[Doc]

And

 

[Sharky]

Sometimes ...
when you cry ...
no one sees your tears...

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt...

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress...

Sometimes ...
when you are happy ...
no one sees your smile ...

But fart just one time... ........

 

[P. A. Schilke]

 

[P. A. Schilke]

 

[Doc]

Hand Sanitizer ?

 

[Metal Geezer]

 

[Sharky]

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and
he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are
only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said,
'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

 

[FoD]

How most people are introduced to THE DAVE

 

[AzScorpion]

How most people are introduced to THE DAVE

Then...6 months later.

 

[Doc]

Er ..