How about some Jokes [Admin: No Politics, Religion, Nudity, Explicit Posts]

[Sharky]

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and
he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are
only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said,
'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

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[FoD]

How most people are introduced to THE DAVE

 

[AzScorpion]

How most people are introduced to THE DAVE

Then...6 months later.

 

[Doc]

Er ..

 

[Tracy Bowman]

He must have parked near @RANGER PRIDE.

 

[Doc]

Um ..

 

[bearrug]

Aging Realities
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb

 

[P. A. Schilke]

 

[P. A. Schilke]

 

[P. A. Schilke]

 

[P. A. Schilke]

 

[FoD]

Seagulls!!!

 

[Jon Olivier]

Her first mistake was going to Taco Bell!

 

[Dr. Zaius]

Seagulls!!!

Seagulls + Laxatives = Bad Day for beachgoers

 

[Metal Geezer]

My retirement plan:
Throw the snowblower in the back of the Ranger and drive south until someone asks “What the hell is that?”

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