How about some Jokes [Admin: No Politics, Religion, Nudity, Explicit Posts]

[AzScorpion]

He might do better than the one that was forced to retire.

I think we can all agree this guy could do better.

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[Dr. Zaius]

 

[gfitzge2]

The first one down that slide be like the karate kid. Swatting at a face full of spider web.

 

[AzScorpion]

This is so true. lol I hate these things!

 

[AzScorpion]

 

[Dr. Zaius]

 

[Metal Geezer]

It was his first flight, so when the pilot announced at 35k feet that engine #4 had failed, he was pretty worried.
The pilot continued:”We still have 3 more, but we’ll now be 20 minutes late.”
A few minutes later the plane shook and the pilot was back on the intercom:”Folks, this is highly unusual but we’ve now lost engines 1 and 3. There’s nothing to worry about but we will now be 1 hour late arriving.”
The first time flyer leaned over to the person beside him:”If that last engine quits we’re gonna be up here all day, huh?”

 

[LaBalbe]

 

[Burnt Money]

 

[Burnt Money]

 

[Burnt Money]

 

[AzScorpion]

 

[Dr. Zaius]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $20 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes
the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in
the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher
follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.
No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again & again.
No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps
off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and
shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the devil are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

 

[Dr. Zaius]

 

[dtech]

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.
She went out onto the ice with her gear, and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around, but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos, and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Now feeling quite scared, and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice, and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice answered,
_____
_____
_____
"NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK.
_____
_____
_____
THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

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