How about some Jokes [Admin: No Politics, Religion, Nudity, Explicit Posts]

[Sharky]

he couldnt remember........

"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:

"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had avoided what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

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[Trigganometry]

Was always fond of this one

 

[Dr. Zaius]

 

[P. A. Schilke]

Just sayin'..

 

[bearrug]

Things to consider as we usher in 2021: ​ 1. The dumbest thing I recently bought was a 2020 planner. 2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing. 3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people. 4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors! 5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot. 6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom. 7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands? 8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home! 9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are! 10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator. 11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I'm getting tired of the Living Room. 12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.​

 

[JACER]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

[Sharky]

church revival ?

An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now."

As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church.
So, I supported you when you bought in that rock n' roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to HeIl" cannot stay on the church roof!

 

[P. A. Schilke]

 

[T Bone]

here is one that still has me laughing, a cat discussing the pandemic........there is some language in it be advised, NSFW.

 

[Blmpkn]

Did you know squirrels die after they have sex?


"What? No they dont....."






















All the ones I had sex with did ?‍

 

[AzScorpion]

here is one that still has me laughing, a cat discussing the pandemic........there is some language in it be advised, NSFW.

I can never open these attachments with my Mac. Not just yours but everyones.

 

[Dr. Zaius]

I can never open these attachments with my Mac. Not just yours but everyones.

Maybe your browser setting.

My Mac opened it fine (10.15.7 Catalina and Firefox 84.0.2)

 

[AzScorpion]

Maybe your browser setting.

My Mac opened it fine (10.15.7 Catalina and Firefox 84.0.2)

I went on Firefox and that worked...Thx! I haven't updated Safari yet because I hate some of the stuff they did with that update.

 

[Dr. Zaius]

I like Safari and use it for all my banking/financial websites and basically nothing else.

For general browsing I use Firefox and/or Opera.

Primarily Firefox since I go between Mac, Windows, and Linux machines multiple times a day and it's easy to keep the browser synced between them.

I know Chrome and Opera can do it too but I have dumped Chrome from everything and I don't quite trust Opera lately.

 

[AzScorpion]

I like Safari and use it for all my banking/financial websites and basically nothing else.

For general browsing I use Firefox and/or Opera.

Primarily Firefox since I go between Mac, Windows, and Linux machines multiple times a day and it's easy to keep the browser synced between them.

I know Chrome and Opera can do it too but I have dumped Chrome from everything and I don't quite trust Opera lately.

Do you know or have any experience with Brave? I saw this posted in another forum that it's supposed to be much faster and better privacy than most others.

https://brave.com

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