How about some Jokes [Admin: No Politics, Religion, Nudity, Explicit Posts]

[dtech]

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[Bob902]

 

[Doc]

When I turned 40, my dad said “when you get past 40, the piss gets closer and the farts get wetter” …

 

[Bob902]

 

[Dr. Zaius]

 

[Motorpsychology]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands-free speaker. Everyone else stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello.”
WOMAN: “Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 - is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the latest models. I found one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Lexie and found out the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK! I’ll see you later. I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room stare at him in total shock.

He turns and asks:
“Anyone know whose phone this is?”

 

[LaBalbe]

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.


So, I bought her a candle.

 

[LaBalbe]

You know you're Canadian when you look at this picture and your first thought is "Why the hell did they put Mounties on an elephant??"

 

[LaBalbe]

I don't know what's in that bag, but damn is it solid!

 

[Figarou]

I don't know what's in that bag, but damn is it solid!

A Koto Japanese instrument.

Answer found in the descitption below

 

[Bob902]

 

[Chris M]

Dammit man!

 

[dtech]

Bob and Liz from Brooklyn are on their honeymoon in the Catskills of course.

Liz turns to Bob in bed and says, “Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

Shocked, Bob asks, “How can you be a virgin? I’m your fourth husband, you were married three times before!”

Liz responds, “My first husband, Max, was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was examine it.

My second husband, Phil, was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

And my third husband, Chuck, was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was.....oy do I miss Chuck!”

 

[Dr. Zaius]

 

[Figarou]

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