How about some Jokes [Admin: No Politics, Religion, Nudity, Explicit Posts]

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True story: a few months ago I sprained my wrist tearing off the toilet paper, and I'm not even that old!

It’s sad how we go from invincible to decrepit in no time flat isn’t it?

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[Dr. Zaius]

I spent last evening leaning over the hood of my neighbor's car and this morning my back is reminding me about it, but hey, I got it fixed and he's good to go.

Having been in the military, I won't complain though as I agree with Mark Twain's quote:

 

[KNI]

I spent last evening leaning over the hood of my neighbor's car and this morning my back is reminding me about it, but hey, I got it fixed and he's good to go.

Having been in the military, I won't complain though as I agree with Mark Twain's quote:

I'm a lot older than I predicted as younger. I was kind of expecting to die in some middle aged motorcycle rampage or something.

But due to my motorcycle missing my head by few inch and wonders of modern medicine, I'm still kicking and even retained the functionality of my arm.

Extra thanks for the really old German surgeon, who put me back to one piece, the only reminder is the 5" scar (and nice looking too, due to the sub-dermal stitching he used!)

 

[Dr. Zaius]

Yeah, if I'd known I would get this old I would've done a lot of things differently growing up ?

Funny pic...

 

[FasterGT350]

That’s why I’m amazed at how good I still feel. I wasn’t always the saint I am today.

Like this? Live & Learn ?

 

[FasterGT350]

Reality

 

[FasterGT350]

The Robot Knows

 

[FasterGT350]

Poor Kitty

 

[FasterGT350]

Tough Times

 

[Doc]

Like this? Live & Learn ?

Mee too….

 

[Dr. Zaius]

 

[dtech]

Found this going thru email archives, for some reason no 12 was my fav , no 15 pretty good as well:

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan'
all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

 

[Bob902]

Found this going thru email archives, for some reason no 12 was my fav , no 15 pretty good as well:

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan'
all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Just remember. This who kids look up to. And the country thinks their opinions are important.........

 

[Dr. Zaius]

And a shout-out to the resident LEOs on here.

You have a seemingly thankless job, dealing with the worst of society on a sometimes daily basis, and I for one really appreciate the job you do.

Many Thanks!

 

[AzScorpion]

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