How about some Jokes [Admin: No Covid or Politics!]

Sharky

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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
 

JACER

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Lets not forget about asking the gopher to go to procurement and ask for the sparkplugs and wires to tune up the diesel.

Or please get me the metric adjustable wrench! ?
 

P. A. Schilke

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Lets not forget about asking the gopher to go to procurement and ask for the sparkplugs and wires to tune up the diesel.

Or please get me the metric adjustable wrench! ?
Hi John,

I have a metric adjustable wrench...its max opening is in mm...thus Metric
 

ParkerAzJeff

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Y'all might think I'm crazy but I had a customer that used to have right & left handed pens made. He would have the logo printed so that they both could be read with the logo in correct direction based on which hand it was in.
 

bearrug

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After retiring I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.

the woman behind the counter asked for my drivers license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said unbutton your shirt.
So I opened my shirt and revealed my curly silver hair.
She said that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.
 

Sharky

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Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush.

The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”
 

BoilerMike

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A woman was sitting with a glass of wine relaxing with her husband. “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could live without you.”

” Is that you or the wine talking?”, the husband asked.

”It was me talking to the wine”, she said.
 
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OP
AzScorpion

AzScorpion

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?

True Golf Buddy


A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced,
for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at
the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a
f____ mess and the dishes are still in the sink.
I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night.

Can't you see I'm still in my f____ pajamas? I can't be
bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the f___ did you bring him home without
letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole?"




"Because he's thinking of getting married!"
 

Metal Geezer

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Old man is rocking on his front porch when he spies a young lad dragging something down the road.
“Watcha got there son?”
The boy replies, “Chicken wire! Gonna catch me some chickens!”
Old man snaps back, “Fool! Can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”
Later that day the old man sees the boy returning with half a dozen chickens tangled in the wire.
Next morning, the boy passes the old mans house again.
“Watcha got there?”, asks the old man.
“Duct tape”, replies the boy. “Gonna catch me some ducks!”
“Fool!”, snaps the old man. “You can’t catch no ducks with duct tape”.
Sure enough, later that day the boy returns with 3 or 4 ducks stuck to the tape.
Sun rises the next morning and sure enough, here comes the young lad yet again.
Once again the old man enquires “Now watcha got there son?
“Pussy willows”.
Old man jumps out of his chair. “Hold up a minute while I grab my hat.”
 
 
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