How about some Jokes [Admin: No Covid or Politics!]

[FasterGT350]

Lessons

 

[Trigganometry]

?

 

[Muddy Fenders]

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $75.00
Coffee: Complementary

TOTAL: $75.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, cat litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree; use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw cat litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw cat litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting cat litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more cat litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. Truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00

TOTAL: $4,145.00

 

[subquark]

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $75.00
Coffee: Complementary

TOTAL: $75.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, cat litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree; use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw cat litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw cat litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting cat litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more cat litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. Truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00

TOTAL: $4,145.00

OMG, I needed this, what a great start to my day and I may, or may not, have particularly laughed at number 16! =D

 

[LaBalbe]

 

[Dr. Zaius]

 

[Synfulz]

This....

 

[P. A. Schilke]

This....

What is the answer. Bring in a Tortoise....

best,
Phil

 

[9zero1790]

Lessons

so true! i was not a totally bad kid but did do my share of dumb kid stuff. possibly more than my share. i noticed recently while walking through the neighborhood all the door bell cams and drive up cams and car cams. cant get away with anything these days. i would have had a very boring childhood if i was a kid these days. or be really famous.

 

[9zero1790]

damn. i feel totally geriatric now.

 

[P. A. Schilke]

and what ever you want if you have a tortoise.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

 

[Dr. Zaius]

It's time for the annual Christmas Kitty Tree...

 

[Doc]

00 buckshot….aim for the middle one ..

EDIT: It’s a Joke, not to be taken seriously.!

 

[subquark]

00 buckshot….aim for the middle one ..

EDIT: It’s a Joke, not to be taken seriously.!

Thanks for the joke clarification, I was anticipating hearing from a disapproving Greta! =p

 

[Figarou]

00 buckshot….aim for the middle one ..

EDIT: It’s a Joke, not to be taken seriously.!